Breaking up with a histrionic or narcissist?
Be prepared for the battle of your life! While you are an emotional basket
case, he is as Cold as Ice! While you are left holding down the fort and
dealing with the real-life responsibilities, he walks away from everything
leaving you to mop off his stage and pay his bills. He will punish
you in ways you couldn't possibly have ever imagined...
.... and not even acknowledge it to himself!
Why? Because he's off charming the socks off of new women as if your years
together didn't even exist! And to him they didn't! The narcissist has a
Narcissists tend to make very good first impressions
on others. They are excellent actors and can fool almost anybody, even trained
individuals. However, they have counterfeit hearts. Underneath their
brilliant exterior lies a man that is self-centered and self-focused, dishonest,
irresponsible, disloyal, and lacking emotions, remorse, and a conscience.
These men live with a false sense of grandiosity and specialness and are
easily found to be arrogant and deceitful. Underneath their fake exterior
is an empty fraud who seemingly is lacking a human soul.
how to fake orgasm. Men know how to fake an entire relationship." ~ Sharon
Of course, you will never see this in
the beginning of the relationship with a narcissistic man. Many women do
not see any of these awful qualities until the relationship gets serious
because both the narcissist and his prey tend to idolize people in the beginning
And being idolized feels good - so
good that we often willingly overlook the red flags.
Unfortunately, the narcissist is sociopathic
in that they often see themselves as victims, and lack remorse or the ability
to empathize with others (did you notice that [according to him] ALL his
'exes' were 'psycho bitches'? THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN MAJOR RED FLAGS WAVING
IN YOUR FACE FROM EVERYWHERE ON THAT ONE - BUT IT PROBABLY DIDN'T REALLY
HIT YOU UNTIL 'YOUR' RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM WAS OVER!!).
See, narcissistic men haven't the ability to
see their own negative actions or the detrimental roles they play in their
relationships with others. The narcissist is a deceptive man and the most
common form of his deception is his own self-deception. He truly believes
he is perfectly innocent of having committed any wrongdoing -
He holds himself completely blameless for any
part in the breakdown of your relationship (or ANY of his past relationships).
Don't hold your breath waiting for an apology from this man, or even an
admittance on his part of being partially to blame - for
anything. He believes he has done nothing wrong, as he is just so wonderful!
(At least, in his on mind.)
The narcissist doesn't care about your problems
or your feelings. He has absolutely no regard or respect for anyone's feelings;
he is completely without empathy and is never above taking advantage of others
for his own personal gain. He is constantly hungry for praise and he will
go on a feeding frenzy for the adoration and admiration he desperately seeks
with every individual he comes in contact with. He is a legend in his own
mind, and deeply living in a fantasy world built on his own imagined
"The narcissist can neither give nor
receive love. He cannot empathize with the pain and suffering of others.
Although he is often incredibly charming and draws many people into his enchanted
circle, the narcissist is incapable of true intimacy. At the core of his
life experience, the narcissist has emotionally and often financially
harmed so many. He has treated others with cruelty, ruthlessness and
indifference too many times. Ultimately, in the depth of his unconscious,
he knows he is an empty fraud" ~Linda Martinez-Lewi Ph.D.
Nothing can be more painful than breaking up
with a histrionic narcissistic man. He will not take it kindly - not because
he will grieve the loss of you (you mean nothing to this man)
but simply because you will have embarrassed him. And damaging his ego is
a totally unforgivable sin to the narcissist! I'm afraid you're about to
become his next victim, so be aware of his soon-to-come character assassin
of you. (Narcissistic men [they all hold an actor's award] will say just
about anything about another in order to protect their perfect 'image'.)
Whether or not this has happened to you, it
is still a very painful realization when you come to discover that you meant
absolutely nothing to someone you loved very much. The realization that this
man never loved you (don't delude yourself) hurts beyond compare.
It is hard to understand that a histrionic narcissist loves only himself,
and, if anything, considered you more a 'love-rival' than a 'lover'.
You will find that you have changed during the
course of the relationship with a narcissist. You will walk away completely
far removed from the beautiful woman you were when you entered it. You may
have gone from soft, sweet and feminine to hardened and bitter. From trusting,
open and receptive to suspicious and untrusting. From self-assured and confident
to being full of self-doubt and insecurities. It will take some hard work
on your part to let this damaged part of you go and find your old self
A NARCISSIST HAS A CALLOUS DISREGARD
- FOR YOU
For most of us breaking up with a narcissist
can leave us feeling confused, devastated, and untrusting of all men in the
Usually, when a relationship ends both parties
grieve some, both parties have regrets and both parties have done things
that they feel remorseful for.
But not a narcissist! He walks away from you
with a cold, callous disregard. He feels nothing.
A narcissist will avoid looking at you - even
if you are sitting right in front of him. This is his way of dismissing and
devaluing you. There is nothing about his actions that are normal, but your
mind can't conceive this and so it tries to understand. However, there is
no making sense of the 'senseless'.
"Abuse is an integral, inseparable
part of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The narcissist idealizes and
then DEVALUES and discards the object of his initial idealization.
This abrupt, heartless devaluation IS abuse. ALL narcissists idealize
and then devalue. This is THE core of pathological narcissism. The
narcissist exploits, lies, insults, demeans, ignores (the "silent treatment"),
manipulates, controls. All these are forms of abuse. " ~ by Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.
The narcissist has to be NUMBER ONE,
the CENTER OF ATTENTION, THE BIG CHEESE, the MAIN
ATTRACTION. If he is in a situation where he fears not getting the adulation
that he feels he deserves, such as with your friends or co-workers,
or even in a club that you frequent (translation: your territory),
he will be extremely uncomfortable, either claiming a headache, feeling 'bad
vibes' in the place, or simply getting angry. He may insult or dismiss everyone
there as 'substandard human beings'. A narcissist cannot share his limelight
with anyone, not even his spouse.
It is especially hard to let go of a relationship
breakdown when you can't find any rhyme or reason to the way it all unfolded.
We think that all people are good people and can't understand how someone
could so easily just dismiss us as if we never existed.
Truth is, you didn't exist to the
narcissist. He is so totally and completely self-centered to the
point of being the only person in his life - ever. You simply were
a temporary ego-boost. A narcissist supplier (an enforcer and validator of
his self-love). His mirror.
You were taken in by his phony charm simply
because you trusted men. And now you are left with doubts, insecurities,
questions, and extreme hurt that one you cared for could so easily 'dismiss
you' and then walk away completely unmoved and untouched by the
You want him to hurt, too. To show sorrow. To
So that you can feel important again. Like you
But you didn't. And it has nothing to
do with you. He simply is unable to care for anyone other than himself, no
matter whom they are. And deep inside you know that you have just wasted
years of your life on someone who is an empty fraud. It's like you imagined
everything; nothing was real. He was a masterful actor when he was getting
his ego fed; but now that he is not getting his narcissistic supply from
you anymore he simply - and completely - has totally erased you from his
life. It is important to remember that narcissists are 'plotters' and he
has been plotting the destruction of the relationship since the very first
moment his charming, but fake persona met you.
Expect your world to fall apart whereas his
world will remain unscathed - as will his emotions. OOPS, pardon me, I made
a mistake! Make that "his 'lack of' emotions". Narcissistic men haven't any
empathy for others, and will never take any direct responsibility for any
pain they may have caused. They will never acknowledge their wrongdoings,
or apologize to you, because they truly believe themselves to be perfect.
They project all their faults and flaws onto you, accusing you of the
very things that they, themselves, are guilty of.
In fact, throughout your entire relationship,
you probably were lead to believe that you were the problem when in actuality
it was their narcissism that was at fault. You have subconsciously learned
to take his attacks personally, because he is so very good at manipulating
the people around him.
Narcissistic and histrionic men play on the
fact that most of us are trusting and
forgiving, and that we want to believe in them.
Narcissists are all about their image, and they
spend an inordinate amount of time perfecting their false front, or their
'image'. He's forever aware of his impression on people, and he knows exactly
what 'face' to put on to draw people into his magical circle of followers
- all with the intent to enhance his own self-exaltation. He is an expert
at even fooling himself into thinking he is larger than life and, unfortunately,
the more positive the feedback he receives, the more trapped in his mirror
he becomes. He would rather have adoration from complete strangers
than a deep meaningful relationship with a loving partner. His
image is superficial and covers up his complete lack of inner awareness.
He is, quite simply, an expert fake, forever on the search for a true acceptance,
but never daring enough to show his 'real self' for fear of not receiving
The sad thing is, because he feels he is loved
for his fake front, he never truly feels loved for his real self, and this
just further enables and encourages his narcissism.
The narcissistic mate displays many typical
psychopathic characteristics. He may have falsely displayed deep emotion
toward you (when he was in your good graces). In reality, he was less concerned
with you than with making himself look good. In the romance department, a
narcissist or a histrionic man has an uncanny ability to gain your trust
and affection quickly, disarming you with his charm (i.e., "What a beautiful
necklace; you have such excellent taste in jewelry") and captivating
you with his many grandiose plans (i.e., "I'm getting the old band together
and we are going to tour Europe"). If he cheats on you you'll
probably find forgiveness for him - maybe even blame yourself for his
infidelities - but one day when you've had enough, he'll leave you with nothing
but the breath-taking epiphany that your whole life with him has been a lie.
He'll also, most likely, leave you with an empty pocketbook, too.
Of course, by this time he'll already have a new 'sucker' under his wing,
and could care less what he has done to you.
Yes, living with, loving and leaving a narcissistic
man is an experience unlike any other! You are left deeply confused and weakened
by the abuse.
was mad at me every single day. In fact, I can't remember even one day that
he wasn't angry, grudgeful, judgmental, and insulting."
He wants you to pay for his inner pain, and
he will do everything in his power to punish you and push you over the brink.
Your mind can't rationalize that these men are not 'normal', and it tries
to make sense of their behavior.
The narcissistic ex continually acts in abusive,
bewildering and confusing ways. He is not above committing destructive acts.
When the breakup becomes a reality, it is likely that his 'false persona'
will completely disappear all together and you will most likely experience
the most hurtful of behavior from him. He is completely lacking in empathy,
and - since he is not receiving any admiration from you anymore - he will
dismiss you and discard you as worthless to him, consequently dropping any
fake front that he use to put up in order to keep you in the
"Narcissists become particularly shameless
during a divorce. They accuse the other spouse of neglecting the children
when the reverse is true. They hide their assets long before the formal divorce
proceedings begin. They lie about their net worth so they don't have to part
with alimony or child support. Some narcissists, both male and female, abandon
their families all together and start new lives with more attractive, adoring
and compliant partners. Leaving the previous spouse and children in a
state of financial and psychological chaos is of no consequence to them.
Many narcissists repeat these egregious patterns of behavior throughout their
lives without shame or regret." ~ Linda Martinez-Lewi Ph.D.
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